To make better decisions and implement them more easily for you, HYPR-RDCR will automatically find and connect to your social media accounts once every hour. Updates will be made across all of your accounts as HYPR-RDCR's functionality expands and changes.
By the time you read this paragraph, everything should be all hooked up and ready to go. No further action will ever be necessary on your part. Just leave everything to us!
Don't worry. You can trust us
, Mary O'Donnell
Google account successfully found and connected.
Facebook account successfully found and connected.
Amazon account successfully found and connected.
What outfit should you wear today?
Khaki blouse, maroon pattern scarf, purple skirt, and gold heels.
What transportation should you own?
What kind of things should you believe in?
Stated Religion: Catholic
Actual Religion: Agnostic
Politics: Labour Party
Ethical Theory: Intuitionist
Aliens: Yes, elsewhere
Your social media profiles have been synchronized, and your parents have been emailed.
Who should you be seeing?
Name: Seamus Hallafrey
Status: Married (Swinger)
Your last city of residence had an unusually high percentage of swingers, so we made you an OkCupid profile and updated your Facebook relationship status to "Open." We also emailed your husband and Mr. Hallafrey for you.
What should you eat at your next meal?
Entree: 8oz sirloin (rare)
Side 1: Mac'n'cheese
Side 2: Asparagus
Dessert: Belgian fondue
Mr. Hallafrey (see: Dating) will pick you up at 7:00 tonight and take you to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Your husband has been invited too, but has not yet RSVP'd.
Who should you add, remove, and eventually re-add from your social networks?
Previous Total: 512
Removed: All with >512
Added: 15 Irish Americans
Added: 8 MIT grads
Added: 6 Trinity grads
Removed: Under age 26
Removed: Over age 48
Re-added: 2 exes
New Total: 487
Contacts have been added to and removed from your online accounts as well as your phone and address book.
What should you do in your free time?
Sport 1: Tennis
Sport 2: Swimming
We've signed you up for relevant clubs in your area. Check your email for the welcome messages and the dates when you will be expected to host.
What should you write to your next date?
Dear Seamus Hallafrey,
I saw your profile on OkCupid, and it sounds like we have a lot in common! What are the odds of us both being from Ireland, playing tennis, swimming, learning Korean, and driving a silver 2008 Volkswagon Jetta? It must be fate!
It helps that you're cute, too! The outfit in your profile picture is very sharp. I fancy a man in maroon.
Looking forward to meeting you!
Message has been sent.
What should you write about your recently deceased great-second-uncle-in-law?
Robert Finley was the best great-second-uncle-in-law that I could've possibly hoped for. It's hard for me to write this because my hands are shaking and the tears are endless, but I feel that Old Bobby deserves that I continue, and so I will.
I can't remember the first time I met him, but I do remember him vividly. We had a funny game where he'd always ask me who I was whenever we met up, which was increasing in frequency almost to the point of seeing each other once per year. He'd always be at the corner store, and I'd always be on my way home. I will cherish those memories.
Old Bobby was a man of few words and wouldn't want a big fuss, so I'll end by saying how much I miss him and that my sincerest prayers go out toward whoever he left behind.
Message has been emailed to all of your relatives, neighbors, and friends. We also went ahead and made arrangements with newspapers in Pittsburgh and back in Ireland.
Where should you live?
Garage: 2 car
A bid has been made on your behalf. We estimate a 67% chance of successfully negotiating the price down to $425,000, so a check for that amount has been sent with your signature.
Where should you get away?
Destination: Cuzco, Peru
Depart: Tuesday, 7:45pm
Airline: American Airlines
You'll love the exotic and varied food, the warm climate, and the excitement of visiting ancient sites like Machu Pichu!
We've gone ahead and made all the travel arrangements for you. You won't have internet access while you're there, but since you've got HYPR-RDCR, what's it matter? We'll stay on top of everything for you. Who knows who you'll be when you get back? We're excited for you!